I will not show any of my photos in this blog, for fear it will be used against me when I become a world famous blogger (okay that was sarcasm, I am world famous to my five loyal followers. Okay, maybe not world famous, but just...known). In lieu of photos, I will attempt to recreate these fashion blunders via drawings (resemblance is only coincidental).
So without further ado, here is my top five fashion faux pas of the 1980s (in no particular order, because they each deserve the number one spot of utter embarrassment):
Fashion Crime: Mullett
Description: We used to call it "Business in the front and party in the back," but I like to now call it "Ugly in the front and all ugly in the back." The hairstyle became popular in the 1980s, but actually was seen being worn by singer Tom Jones back in the 1960s. David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust sported it in the 1970s. The scary thing is that today some people still sport this hideous haircut and thus deserve some sort of intervention.
The Mullet's emaciated cousin: The Rat tail
The Mullet's current mutation: The reverse Mullet ("Party in the front and business in the back")
Fashion Crime: Shoulder pads
Description: Shoulder pads so wide and big that if you look closely you can see a small jet taxi off of them. Trying to figure out why 80s fashion is so bad is easy - Just Look At Them. I'm still perplexed why us women liked to wear huge pads in our jacket (and sometimes our shirts?!) - is it women's lib? Is it the desire to look like Football players? Whatever the reason, I still can't watch a rerun of "Dynasty" without cringing (although I should not admit that I would watch a rerun of "Dynasty").
Awful Truth: I remember becoming tired of the shoulder pads and had removed them from my jackets. Big mistake, I now resembled a person wearing flap jacks on her shoulders.
The 1980s Shoulder Pad current mutation: Lady Gaga's fashion has now made big shoulder pads mainstream again...although only Lady Gaga can get away with it.
Fashion Crime: Pegged pants
Description: The best way to describe this style is by giving you instructions on how to recreate it: (1) Buy some mom jeans (preferably acid washed mom jeans); (2) fold over the bottom portion of your mom jeans (closest to the ankles); (3) and then cuff them over the folded part. The point being is to make the bottom part of your mom jeans as skinny as possible. I like to think those of us in the 1980s as being prescient and knowing that in the future skinny jeans would be in, but I know better - we just had bad taste.
Pegged pants current mutation: No current mutations, just cuff your pants the normal way and all will be well.
Fashion Crime: Stirrup pants
Description: It's basically like treating your pants like a horse saddle. These pants were just unflattering all around. Why I thought wearing pants with a strap hooked onto the bottom of my feet looked 'cool' is beyond me. There is no excuse for this monstrosity. Your pants were not going to ride up on you-there is no need to hold it down with a strap on your foot! You are not a male figure skater!
Worst way to wear stirrup pants: With those tacky 80s pumps with the strap exposed
The Stirrup pants current mutation: A horse saddle
Fashion Crime: Neon
Description: One word "WHAM." George Michael dancing around in that "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" video in a flurry of neon made a lot of people in the 1980s go practically cuckoo for coco puffs. I don't care if you are white, black or asian - head to toe neon is not flattering. Humans were not made to look like they took a big swig of radioactive juice.
Double violation: Wearing your flashdance styled, neon sweatshirt.
Triple violation: Wearing your flashdance styled, neon sweatshirt with fingerless gloves.
Neon's current mutation: Neon. It's making a comeback. But try to remember that less is more and it's okay to now accessorize with a smidge of bright color.
Remember, admitting you made a mistake is the first step to recovery.